Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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