Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
