I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
