captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
