I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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