I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
