I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
