My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
