We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
