why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Randomize
