I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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