I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
