I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
