Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Randomize
