The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
