my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
