remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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