Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
