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i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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