I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
