I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
