I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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