im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
