it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
