I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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