just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
