you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
