I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
my vag is so smooth its legendary
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
