Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just want to make out with him forever
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
