"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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