that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
