I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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