I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
