Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
that's an acceptable place to lick
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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