just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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