Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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