Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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