I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
