Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
