If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
