I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
