Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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