Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
