My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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