I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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