Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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