I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
