I need help removing her.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
