If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
