Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
