Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
