I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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