Don't make out with my wife yet
We got so high we made milksteak
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
